p.s. Cultivating Meaningful Friendships (E: 116)

SUMMARY:
An insightful episode that covers the psychology and action one can take to invite and foster healthy relationships.

INTENTION:
To offer the listener candor on an emotional and special topic.

EXCERPT:
"Category of connections: relationships, friendships, and besties." Hilani

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Transcript

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Navigating Work Friendships and Healthy Connections

Speaker 1 0:01

The administrative profession holds both unique and unexpected demands each day , making each real unique , much like your thumbprint . Welcome to another PS episode . In each episode , we explore a single topic of interest that is on the minds of so many aspiring professionals my mission as a dedicated partner to busy executives and a career architect to administrative individuals . I bring in each episode unparalleled insights into the challenges , aspirations and strategies that gives permission to career focused individuals to achieve their next level of success . These permission slip episodes are unique moments for you to reflect and create a plan that helps you continue to learn and thrive on the job each day . Enjoy , hello everyone , and welcome to a PS episode .

Speaker 1 0:48

I am actually coming right off of the energy of the episode that just released two weeks ago with my guest Erica Shepard . I have had on my heart and my mind to talk about work friendships for quite a while and because it came up so much during that conversation and if this is your first time joining us here on the show , go listen to that one first before you take in this one . If you can't and this is better for you based on duration go ahead and listen to this one . Then go listen to that one I want to talk about friendships at work , and I want to talk about it because it can often be really beautiful and it can often be painful , and I want to cover a little bit of that muck and how we can address some of these things , both the good and not so good . My first declaration is we were absolutely built for connection and inside of that , one of the beautiful things that Erica mentioned was an acronym called LAPS , l-a-p-s Love , acceptance , purpose and Safety and when she was talking about it I was like all right , I've got to finally do this friendships episode because of that letter A and the acceptance piece . Inside acceptance and I'm coming to you vulnerable , which I've offered a ton of wisdom , which I do on the show with Erica episode with Erica is I spent a good period of my 30s not with strong connections , and I'll use that word connections , as many of my listeners know , I'm all about the vocabulary because I needed to work on me .

Speaker 1 2:28

I needed to work on the patterns that I had created from my childhood of having unhealthy friendships , and so I also have a few stories for you today which will be spilling a tiny bit of tea on what it was that really put it in the forefront that I've got to change how I connect with people so I have healthier relationships , because I was using a lot of coping skills to have unhealthy friendships . And what I mean by unhealthy what it was for me is shit talking . No positive encouragement I was always the positive encourager . I actually had a friend tell me once Halani , you're just too extra for me , and I thought what the hell am I having this friendship when someone thinks that about me and wants to tell me that in a way that's not positive , like , wow , I love your extra energy , I love the extra-ness that you want to challenge things , like we're good for each other . And it was also that and building out little micro moments like that through the years where I thought what the fuck am I doing ? Why do I continue to have these friendships and these people that don't love me for me in my life ?

Navigating Work Relationships for Success

Speaker 1 3:43

I have another story where I was going to an event here in Denver and it was when I was an executive assistant and there was another EA just around the corner . We carpooled to this particular event and I'd never met her before . We were on this email thread for all those that were going to this meeting and I said , hey , I'll pick you up and I'll bring you back , because this is my way home and you can get to your car . Looking to connect with people . Within 60 seconds of getting in my car , she starts bitching about her coworkers . I don't understand why they're ignoring me . And I thought , oh my gosh , what have I done ? I have now allowed into my space a woman who is looking to use our time together to complain about other things , and I carried on . I drove and we got there . She did it again . She was judging the women at the table for the meeting that we went to . Did you see that one ? And I thought this is definitely not going to be a connection that's going to serve both of us long term .

Speaker 1 4:42

So we never really talked after that , but it was having this awareness which came up in Erica's episode , that real awareness and wanting to accept that some of the relationships we have are not serving us , and so I want to give some new vocabulary here as we kind of get more into my vision about how I want to share this information . And I actually pulled up I'm going to go swap the screen . I pulled up two articles . One was from Gallup , in the title and this will be in the show notes the increasing importance of a best friend at work . I actually froze up . I thought best friend at work that's very strong language , best friend . I didn't even read the article , I skimmed it and then I pulled up another one which , believe it or not , made 15 rules to follow for friendships at work .

Speaker 1 5:36

So , going back , I want to say three things Tears or , I should say , categories . We have relationships at work , we have friendships at work and in our life we have besties , or I should say singular , a best friend , gosh , if you have a lot of besties that know all of your very private business and they're healthy for you . I think that that is rare these days and so celebrate that when we talk about having friendships at work , there's no criteria of how much we share of ourself . There's no criteria of how much we reserve to share . And I want to point out a quick story .

Speaker 1 6:20

I got shit on by a friend that I totally befriended and wanted to be besties with early in my career and she turned on me and she knew private stuff about me that I remember literally physically being scared . What is she going to tell people about me ? That was like one of many stories leading into . Some day . It's going to have to shift Some day . The pattern of accepting these people in my life has got to stop . But I wasn't mature in my love for myself enough then to start that pivot until much later in my 30s . So that was one of the big things , and I've heard this story often from some of the admins that have chosen to be vulnerable with me on calls Like I can't make connections at work and I said well , what is the criteria for that connection ?

Speaker 1 7:08

How much do you want to share yourself ? And here's the biggest thing that so many of you are going to understand Well , if I don't talk about my problems or share things , I'm being inauthentic . So think about that that ultimately , subscribing to that psychology means you need to tell anyone . You meet a person in the grocery store , your things issues . Goodness , if you just met someone in an aisle at the grocery store , are you instantly going to be friends because you're telling them your life ? No , you choose to probably not even talk to them . But there are these levels of intimacy . We choose to open up for the different types of people . And if we go back to the lapse LAPS that Erica wonderfully gave us . That last S is for safety , and so I have this evaluation period where I share parts of myself , but I am not so disclosing of a ton of information anymore in the beginning , because I need to know can I love you and can you accept and love me the way that I am today , which sometimes is funny , positively challenging , maybe quiet ?

Speaker 1 8:24

I will say no to a request for a happy hour , which historically would be like I don't want to miss out because of the acceptance . I'm going to tell you a cute rule that I use with my kids . When my oldest almost 19 , he'll be 19 when this episode goes live I would categorize friends . Did you make any friends today ? Elementary school , right ? So there's no reason to get into the definitions . There are tiny people and I'm like do you see that this could be a sleepover friend or a school friend ? He's like I don't know yet , mom , but I'm gonna think about that . And the reason why sleepover is they come into our private home . Will they be respectful when they're here ? What is that intimate in your bedroom and playing with our family , whereas a friend that you play with at recess ? And that's where the relationship , that's as far as the relationship goes . And so I thought about that before coming on here as I sat and wrote a ton of notes , frantically being inspired by my wonderful chat with Erica , that tiered system of how intimate we get with people .

Speaker 1 9:31

And this goes to the next thing , what I was just mentioning about being inauthentic . You know , not everybody needs to know your business , and if you're talking also about someone else , or the woman that got in my car , I'm like , oh my god , she's totally gonna talk shit about me . I'm gonna safely protect myself and say very little in this person's presence Because I can't trust that anything I share is protected and safe . And especially , it was a brand new relationship . But I've heard from some people that they will just open Pandora's box because they quote , want to be their authentic self , and I'm like , shouldn't we earn some of that intimacy with one another , not sharing so much ? And then the excuse me , the dark side of sharing too much , and I shared vulnerably that someone turned on me . There's a huge risk for that .

Speaker 1 10:25

And then here's the other thing if it's an unhealthy relationship , I continually find this my personal opinion that you say , gosh , I haven't heard from them in a while . Are they mad at me ? We used psychology like that in 12th grade and under . If we're adults wondering that , are we in a healthy relationship ? I have . Am excited to declare here that in my world of friendships we go weeks without connecting . We all have really great things that we're working on and I have not said in at least a decade and a half is that person mad at me . And that is very peaceful and refreshing .

Speaker 1 11:10

And because I would have those relationships where I would wonder it in the trigger or I should say the prompt of knowing that it wasn't healthy was because they're shit talkers and I would surround myself by those that had a lot of negative things to say and not a lot of positive , and so this meant a lot to me , even if it only touches the heart of one person . Listening as we get older and you know the statement goes less fucks to give . That's probably what this is . But I give and love so much that I ultimately believed that I had something unique to share for all of you to hear , because as you protect your body , you protect your heart , you protect your career success I mean they say it for entrepreneurs you'll be as successful as those you surround yourself with . So if I'm gonna have , as an entrepreneur one , the employees that I hire right , leah lifts me up all the time .

Speaker 1 12:07

We laugh really healthy connection with her . We're built for connection and there's different categories of connections relationships at work . How much do they need to know about you ? Are they someone that's going to help you with innovation , give you support when you need it ? And then I think we don't have enough the encouragement . Both you can do this and you need to be challenged . May I challenge ? Do I have your permission to challenge you ? And you know it comes from a really great place . So I wanna spotlight during this time that the healthy connections are great for your mind , absolutely great for your body and absolutely your health , which we covered with Erica , who's a nurse practitioner who spent time in a psych ward , and she just also talked about perfectionist , which is a loaded word right , which I've said on so many episodes .

Speaker 1 13:00

I'm a recovering perfectionist , which applies absolutely to this , very much to this with my guest Beth . I'm a recovering people pleaser . That was one of the ingredients that kept putting me in relationships . Going back to the beauty of Erica's work as a nurse practitioner , that acceptance wasn't accepted by my mother . My parents divorced when I was five and he's real piece of work . I needed to be accepted somewhere , so I gave up what was really comfortable and right for my body and my heart to just be accepted , even if it was a shitty relationship . That's not healthy .

Speaker 1 13:41

So I say here at the end think about what you and your heart need and if you want to , here's a tip start to put a gap between you and these unhealthy relationships . Make a declaration and say I'm doing a lot of me work right now and this is a huge prompt , that's your know . If they invite you somewhere , that's your . Hey , I've got to go . I've got some personal things I'm working on . When they start shit talking and negative , you're absorbing that negativity into your own world . If they don't honor that , that's a huge , great sign that that relationship may not be healthy for you .

Empowering Your Career Journey

Speaker 1 14:35

So thank you for listening . Thanks for hitting play . I hope you got something out of this and , if so , I would be grateful if you shared it with someone who could also benefit from this information . Thanks for hitting play and spending some time with me . If this episode inspired you or provided valuable insights , please share it with your network and consider leaving a review . Your career journey is elevated each time you absorb new information . Set aside three minutes this week to explore a library of resources which includes many articles , fun assessments and free guides . Be sure to subscribe to our Friday newsletters so you never miss details for a new webinar or resource . Remember you're the reason you get up every day and work as hard as you do . Do things for you , your executive and your organization , and remember it's all worth it .